I am going to go somewhere. . . no really!

My parents believed in vacation. I can recall memorible trips from my youth. Mesa Verde, CO and breaking down outside of Salina. A trip to Disneyland in Grandma's Buick Regal with lots of Carpi Sun. My parents are awesome. I was a kick ace Ranger for the Day at Mesa Verde. The California trip marked the end of my sibling rivalry with my little sister. "known in my family as the 11 year war" I can recall my mother threatening the end of the trip and certain lives if it did not call a truce. . . at that the civil war ended. Oh there were flare ups. . . I was 16 when she was 13! Disaster. I miss her every day now. I wanted to miss her every day then. . . Love you Ree! Anyways. . . I go to work and notice people are gone for a week or two now and again. They have a life= They go on vacation. I also have a life, it goes like this . . . wake up. . .Sleep on the bus. . . go into the hospital or school. . . leave for home close to dark . .Fall asleep on the bus ride home. . . Rock Emma and fall asleep in the chair. . . wake up with a stiff neck and go to bed. . . etc. etc. There are variations on occasion, but that is basically most of how my days go. . . So I have decided that, I am going to go. . . Somewhere! Maybe even out of state. . . I know scary. School will be over on August 10 for 16 whole days so. . . I am going to take time off. I know no really. Really. Shut up. I can do it. I can. We will see!

Wipe Out!!!

Oh the joy of watching someone totally turf it in public. It is the purest form of entertainment out there. I can just imagine eve sitting in the garden watching Adam thinking to herself "Gee it would be so freakin funny if Adam fell of that log SPLASH!!!! oh YES it was funny. Hey whats that snake doing." I just finished watching a show completly dedicated to the wipe out and I can definently confirm that it was worth every second. I have ate it my fare share of times. I will always remember Matt coming down a dirt road full tilt to save me and triping the last second... Wipe Out. The time a camaro cut me off on my bike... Wipe Out. The day of Ice off at Kolob res. Trinas first cast off a slick rock.... cold Wipe Out. All of these joined in the funny file cabinet in my mind safe and protected. No foam padding or helmets required for these doozys.

Organized Suffering

I submit that there are many things that we all do that could be classified as organized suffering. School is the most prominent example that I can think of. Some masochist void of morals and reason sat down and came up with the format years ago, sad and alone. This person was alone because of their general lack of joy. Their thought process must have gone something like this. . . lets have them write notes on total crap. . . balancing heavy books on tiny desks. . . with boring teachers. . . etc. etc. etc. The suffering has become more subtle over time they used to use the paddle, but then that became to obvious. Work can be organized suffering on some days for all of us. Alarm clocks are basically a habit of organized or requested suffering. Yet, we keep setting them so we don't miss our organized suffering. We would not want to be late.

The appropriate chuckle

I have a disease and I am pretty sure that my whole family has it some worse than others. It is a case of the look for the funny comment in every situation even the serious ones and no matter how hard you try you can't keep it in. Kind of like the kid who thinks they would win american idol always busts out in song but not quite that annoying. Like for the other day for instance I was taking my CDL exam and I was supposed to pull forward and then back up into a different lane, Well I pulled forward and pretty well went crazy and ended up in the same lane I started out in. The guy giving the test explained my stupid mistake and I had to open my yap and say Yeah its the wrong lane but I did it wrong so well. He was not amused. But despite my punniness he still passed me the second time around.

The other guy I am always trying to get to laugh is our local family practitioner. Its not that he is a grumpy guy its more of the fact he thinks I am a little retarded if not retarded at the very least a little slow. When I had a bump on my back I told him I had a strange desire to ring bells and speak french. He did'nt think it was that funny or he did not get the hunch back thing.

Well in the end let me give the list of generally non funny places.

Accountents. Nice guys, check. good with numbers, check. efficient with a calculater, check. Funny guys great at parties, uhh maybe not.

the Temple, never a good place for a laugh. I sure hope the lord has a sense of humor. most temple workers don't. It is a temple not a chuckle factory darn the disease.

The DM.V

So scared

I am convinced that my child has super hero hearing after dark. I have come to this conclusion because every time I lie down she starts to fuss almost to the second. Are bed is not squeaky, so I think she must hearing a decrease in my respiration rate or something. The sad thing about it all is that it is a trap. . . she baits me. She fains cold or injured to lure me in like a fat kid to a twinkie. Sure enough being one of those kind of kids I take the bait everytime. As soon as I crack the door and she sees me she smiles a smile as if to say. . . HA It is so easy. . . Silly man. . .now come play with me. In reflection, I must admit that I am so scared by her control. Sure her mom controls me but I am used to that. She has tricked me into thinking it was all my idea years ago. I wonder if they have disscussions about it all when I am at work. That would explain why I am the one sent everytime. I bet if I snuck back into our bedroom, I would hear Karen laughing at me a little from beneath the sheets. HA It is so easy. . .etc. OH, wait I must go. . . Emma needs me.

Text messaging. Or what the freak.

My phone hates me and likes to make fun of me. Which by the way I recently found out is kind of a hobby for those people around me, but anyways. Every time I send a normal text it jumbles all of the letters up to form sentences and words that leave you scratching your head. For example I try to text someone this message. "Hey would you like to go to dairy queen for a blizzard". The cell phone thought I wanted to say "Hot clouds yut kite to go ta marry queer for a Bologna." And even though marry queer does have delicious Bologna it is not the message I wanted to get across. People think I am talking in code let me clear this up, I hate codes, I don't even like riddles. They are a tool of the simple mind to make other simple minds suffer and eventually explode. Scouts for some reason really dig riddles and love to pull there treasured hum dingers out on camp outs to make there leaders cry. Well I have a message for those boys in fact I will write it in text " Posse blue and smot dop parrot ti" so there. I think my cell phone might have been owned by a spy before me. Wait a second it was my wife's before it was mine. So that is why I have a water torture board in the pantry and all of my mail catches on fire if I try to open it . I think I see now. Porter does not speak gibberish its Russian and leighna is so flexible because of secret operations. And Addy is so emotional because every spy has to be a little edgy. And I am chubby because I am the unassuming cover with a crappy cell phone.

That is like so totally Awsome and Amazeing like totally!

Today was a graduation day at SUU. Mandy and her new hubby Kevin graduated and a hardy congrats to them.
What the freak is up with graduation ceremony's. Pres Monson gave a amazing speech despite the fact that from the moment he stood up till he sat down the sentrum looked like the paparazzi at the Oscars. Flash flash flash flash flash. For a second I thought I would have a Cesare. But besides his awesomeness the student speaker was lets say very middle school commencement ceremony. I think she used more Awesome and like totally amazing than the entire movie Clueless. She was in rare form . Unfortunately one of the students had passed out and was receiving some medical attention so that distracted us from her speech. I hope the girl recovered and I would like to thank her for her distraction she really took one for the team and definitely earned that diploma. The only thing that would have made it better would have been a stirring rendition of "I believe I can fly" that is a definite sign of a quality graduation ceremony. I think all graduations have a rule to be a certain level of boring. If they were not boring the students would be terrified to leave but after three or four hours of torture they are more than happy to blow that Popsicle stand.

Coom-ba-ya good neighbor pig Coom-ba-ya.

Imagine that you are pig, and people take your name in vain multiple ways everyday.
Horrible Men . . . pigs. Ugly people. . .pig faced. Obese eaters without self control. . .pigs. Skinny girls on dates won't order real food because they are afraid of looking like a . . .pig. Flu scaring the general public into hysteria. . .pig(swine). Poor little creatures. Sure you have had your good days of P.R. Wilbur was a hit and Babe made you look somewhat cute. It is a fact that you have always been more popular dead than alive, but so have most artists and outlaws. You don't really mind the fact that people will eat you someday as long as they feed you today. Still, can you imagine the self-esteem issues these animals must have. I wonder how many pigs have been put on suicide watch with the bad P.R. recently. I say that enough is enough. People we can not get "swine" flu from eating swine, so lets have pork chops with shredded pork on the side. Heck lets eat more mystery meat pork hot dogs. Let's put up pro-pork signs on our front yards and tape our noses to our faces. Lets do a sit in at a pig farm. . .with our noses pluged of course. Coom-ba-ya good neighbor pig Coom-ba-ya. As if being a pig wasn't hard enough. Coom-ba-ya good neighbor pig Coom-ba-ya.

Mexican food and other hazardous materials.

Behold the deadly burrito. I enjoyed a sweet pork burrito just last week. And the next thing I know the swine flu is rampant in Mexico and I had just partook of some Mexican swine aka the sweet pork in my burrito. I will be brave and just hope for the best. There are a billion things that can kill us I have often wondered if dropping a toaster in the bathtub would really work or is it in the movies for mere comic relief . I hope its just comic relief because if its not I just thought up a great new episode of "Life". I can see it now, detective crews searching a bathroom for clues, the poor 29 year old coffee shop muffin baker lieing there fully clothed with a toaster in a empty bath. I challenge all of you to figure out who did it?
How about choking on a life saver Mom had a near death experience with this one. The answer to your question in no you cannot breathe through that little hole in the center so don't try.
My life flashed before my eyes when Matt beaned me with a piece of plywood thrown off the roof. I saw stars but not a bright light.. So here is my advice to you avoid the desire for bath time toaster strudels and lifesavers and flying plywood and for heaven sakes avoid sweet pork burrito. After all it is both swine and from Mexico.

p.s. the girl who delivered the flour every morning killed him. But not with the toaster. She used poisoned flour. Why did she use the toaster then if he was all ready dead you might ask.
Comic relief that's why.

Farm Town and other addictive chemicals.

Hi my name is Jon and I am addicted to farm town on facebook. Sure it started with a field or two and now its turning into a full blown orchard, more like forty plowed fields and a small menagerie of barn yard animals. I found myself wondering today which crop I should plant for the quickest return. I need help whats next starcraft, Warcraft, the occasional game of risk. The road to the nerdery is a slippery slope and I need to put my cleats back on. Because I am good enough smart enough and gosh dangitt people like me. Every one is addicted to something even blogging. I know a lot of people addicted to hunting and fishing. Bass fisherman could be alcoholics if it were not for that elusive fish. I get addicted to BYU football in the fall. My general mood is actually effected by a game, its dumb I know. But luckily my wife is kind enough to just roll her eyes and suffer in silence at least most of the time. Some people just have very addictive personalities. Heck the Kernel even puts a addictive chemical that makes you crave his chicken fortnightly. I just don't really want to kick these habits. They are fun and I am learning that corn takes longer than grapes to grow but the return is so much better. Oh man I am in trouble!

Generalized Swelling

I love funny movies. Pure Luck is a movie with Martin Short and Danny Glover that I quit enjoy. The character Martin Short plays is a accident prone person to say the least. There is a moment in that film in which Short's character is stung by a bee and puffs up lick a blow fish. I laugh hard every time I see it. Well I saw a picture of myself today, and thought of that. Since when have I developed an allergy to air, or a food allergy to everything I eat. I wish I could see my metabolism, so that I could say I am sorry for whatever I did to make him hate me. I would try to bring back some memories of the good times, like when I was 17 and could eat a small country and still not gain weight. The other day I went swimming in Kamas with my wife and child. I am not a house yet, but I am an small apartment or condo. There was a moment walking through the dressing room in which some kid stopped in his tracks to stare at me grossed out I am sure. Proud Moment. Oh well I need some Ice cream.

Glad its over lets get back to the funny.

Yeah! All of the stress and heartache and bad feelings are finished or at least can diminish and we can get back to remembering good old granny for the funny awesome chick she is. She put the Ahsumness int the brothers of Ahsumness. There are so many funny things that remind me of her everyday.
Like the fact that I have a terminal illness I am not quite sure what it is and I am yet to be diagnosed or even checked for one. But the fact still remains it is terminal and more than likely will make my face fall off or something other weird thing that is totally impossible but its going to happen. Thanks for that little absurd trait Granny funny yes,but very Iona. And we all do it.
The fact that you pushed, pulled, or coaxed the ox into the mire does not diminish the fact that the thing is in there and still needs help out. But while we are getting him out lets get some liquid refreshment in the form of a coke. And what is a coke without a candy bar, or a doughnut and we should do the rest of our shopping so we don't waste this trip getting the ox out.
Granny apparently new several carpet experts and had it on there good authority that a carpet is not clean unless it has had seven passes back and fourth in the same spot. And despite the fact that she was blind she knew every spot you missed the sixth and seventh pass on. I would like to find these carpet experts and slap there faces and call them some nasty names. these experts probably also happened to own a vacuum company. If I did I would tell everyone there carper needed eight passes at least.
the hollow in Nephi after dark is the scariest place on earth and if you don't cross at main street you are screwed. I have to admit I probably would still go three blocks out of my way just to cross it at main. Sure I will walk out in the dark woods to get to where I am hunting. But you drop me in the middle of Nephi after dark and its every man for himself. It would either go to main street, or resort to the old tried and true run like hell method and pray they don't catch you. What "they " are I don't know but "they" are super scary. If you don't believe me just ask the carpet experts they would agree.
And just on a final note MOM I am so proud of you. You did the right thing and Granny knows it.

War has nothing on. . .

Church Basketball. Time might just prove that church ball will have kept more people out of heaven than organized crime. Good men both young and old gather with blood and venom and start with a prayer. Most of these people are out of shape and have no real athletic skill, both of these factor add more fuel to the fire. You are running around tired and you can not make a pass to save your life. So you resort to violence. Jonny and I are have had epic church ball games in our day. Jonny has had the nickname cohnan since 8th grade gym class for his slasher style. I have never really liked the non-contact nature of basketball myself. So I contact. I have made the NBA the NFL in every game I have played in. I would rather tackle someone then let then score on me. Oh I have you know I have. In the history of violent church ball rivalry's nothing comes close to the terrible hatred between the two brother jerks from the To-quer-ville 1st ward and the cool Allred boys fromt he La Verkin 3rd. Oh those games were epic. They even came up in my mission interview with the Stake President. (No mom I am not proud of this, I just think it is funny. . . there is a difference.) I got kicked out of church ball 2 years in a row. That is some kind of sick record I am sure. It was really those stupid cocky kids for To-quer-ville. . . I was innocent and so was Jonny. There was one game in which Jonny tripped and spit on the older one, and I physically threw the younger one up onto the stage into a row of chairs.. Oh those were the days. My blood still boils a little thinking about it and it was 10 years ago. The Allreds have redefined the meaning of competitive. My Uncles used to have epic battles down at the basketball pad at rocky ridge that always ended with blood. I will most likely die due to heart attack, while watching a BYU football game in which we are not winning by 42 points. I started thinking about all of this two weeks ago during priesthood session sitting underneath the basketball hoops in the cultural hall. So I had the guilt of the meeting and my violent past to deal with. . .oh the shame.

Well here it is

This blog should be highly entertaining. At least we hope it is if no one else finds it entertaining at least we will and in the end that is all that really matters anyway. Me and Matt are both going to be using this blog so if you are ever offended or disappointed in anyway it probably was one of Matt's posts so be mad at him not me. Always remember I am the innocent one. I am kind of glad Easter is over I love all holidays and though Easter has the best candy the candy really needed to go. I believe I ate way to much Reese's chocolate. I pretty much was powered by Hershey's company for a whole week. I really should have been sponsored but those stickers are a pain in the butt to remove no matter how fast you try to rip them off. Maybe next year. If I were really sponsored I would like it to be Coca-Cola or something cool not AXE Stinky deodorant or heaven forbid Viagra or some other embarrassing company name or logo. I once read about a lady who sold her forehead for advertising 10000 bucks and she tattooed some casinos logo on her forehead in a struggling economy this could prove disastrous what if the company you are advertising goes out of business or is blamed in some huge scandal you would be screwed. Imagine walking around with a big ENRON on your head. You would be one popular dude. well Matt it is your turn.