Coom-ba-ya good neighbor pig Coom-ba-ya.

Imagine that you are pig, and people take your name in vain multiple ways everyday.
Horrible Men . . . pigs. Ugly people. . .pig faced. Obese eaters without self control. . .pigs. Skinny girls on dates won't order real food because they are afraid of looking like a . . .pig. Flu scaring the general public into hysteria. . .pig(swine). Poor little creatures. Sure you have had your good days of P.R. Wilbur was a hit and Babe made you look somewhat cute. It is a fact that you have always been more popular dead than alive, but so have most artists and outlaws. You don't really mind the fact that people will eat you someday as long as they feed you today. Still, can you imagine the self-esteem issues these animals must have. I wonder how many pigs have been put on suicide watch with the bad P.R. recently. I say that enough is enough. People we can not get "swine" flu from eating swine, so lets have pork chops with shredded pork on the side. Heck lets eat more mystery meat pork hot dogs. Let's put up pro-pork signs on our front yards and tape our noses to our faces. Lets do a sit in at a pig farm. . .with our noses pluged of course. Coom-ba-ya good neighbor pig Coom-ba-ya. As if being a pig wasn't hard enough. Coom-ba-ya good neighbor pig Coom-ba-ya.

Mexican food and other hazardous materials.

Behold the deadly burrito. I enjoyed a sweet pork burrito just last week. And the next thing I know the swine flu is rampant in Mexico and I had just partook of some Mexican swine aka the sweet pork in my burrito. I will be brave and just hope for the best. There are a billion things that can kill us I have often wondered if dropping a toaster in the bathtub would really work or is it in the movies for mere comic relief . I hope its just comic relief because if its not I just thought up a great new episode of "Life". I can see it now, detective crews searching a bathroom for clues, the poor 29 year old coffee shop muffin baker lieing there fully clothed with a toaster in a empty bath. I challenge all of you to figure out who did it?
How about choking on a life saver Mom had a near death experience with this one. The answer to your question in no you cannot breathe through that little hole in the center so don't try.
My life flashed before my eyes when Matt beaned me with a piece of plywood thrown off the roof. I saw stars but not a bright light.. So here is my advice to you avoid the desire for bath time toaster strudels and lifesavers and flying plywood and for heaven sakes avoid sweet pork burrito. After all it is both swine and from Mexico.

p.s. the girl who delivered the flour every morning killed him. But not with the toaster. She used poisoned flour. Why did she use the toaster then if he was all ready dead you might ask.
Comic relief that's why.

Farm Town and other addictive chemicals.

Hi my name is Jon and I am addicted to farm town on facebook. Sure it started with a field or two and now its turning into a full blown orchard, more like forty plowed fields and a small menagerie of barn yard animals. I found myself wondering today which crop I should plant for the quickest return. I need help whats next starcraft, Warcraft, the occasional game of risk. The road to the nerdery is a slippery slope and I need to put my cleats back on. Because I am good enough smart enough and gosh dangitt people like me. Every one is addicted to something even blogging. I know a lot of people addicted to hunting and fishing. Bass fisherman could be alcoholics if it were not for that elusive fish. I get addicted to BYU football in the fall. My general mood is actually effected by a game, its dumb I know. But luckily my wife is kind enough to just roll her eyes and suffer in silence at least most of the time. Some people just have very addictive personalities. Heck the Kernel even puts a addictive chemical that makes you crave his chicken fortnightly. I just don't really want to kick these habits. They are fun and I am learning that corn takes longer than grapes to grow but the return is so much better. Oh man I am in trouble!

Generalized Swelling

I love funny movies. Pure Luck is a movie with Martin Short and Danny Glover that I quit enjoy. The character Martin Short plays is a accident prone person to say the least. There is a moment in that film in which Short's character is stung by a bee and puffs up lick a blow fish. I laugh hard every time I see it. Well I saw a picture of myself today, and thought of that. Since when have I developed an allergy to air, or a food allergy to everything I eat. I wish I could see my metabolism, so that I could say I am sorry for whatever I did to make him hate me. I would try to bring back some memories of the good times, like when I was 17 and could eat a small country and still not gain weight. The other day I went swimming in Kamas with my wife and child. I am not a house yet, but I am an small apartment or condo. There was a moment walking through the dressing room in which some kid stopped in his tracks to stare at me grossed out I am sure. Proud Moment. Oh well I need some Ice cream.

Glad its over lets get back to the funny.

Yeah! All of the stress and heartache and bad feelings are finished or at least can diminish and we can get back to remembering good old granny for the funny awesome chick she is. She put the Ahsumness int the brothers of Ahsumness. There are so many funny things that remind me of her everyday.
Like the fact that I have a terminal illness I am not quite sure what it is and I am yet to be diagnosed or even checked for one. But the fact still remains it is terminal and more than likely will make my face fall off or something other weird thing that is totally impossible but its going to happen. Thanks for that little absurd trait Granny funny yes,but very Iona. And we all do it.
The fact that you pushed, pulled, or coaxed the ox into the mire does not diminish the fact that the thing is in there and still needs help out. But while we are getting him out lets get some liquid refreshment in the form of a coke. And what is a coke without a candy bar, or a doughnut and we should do the rest of our shopping so we don't waste this trip getting the ox out.
Granny apparently new several carpet experts and had it on there good authority that a carpet is not clean unless it has had seven passes back and fourth in the same spot. And despite the fact that she was blind she knew every spot you missed the sixth and seventh pass on. I would like to find these carpet experts and slap there faces and call them some nasty names. these experts probably also happened to own a vacuum company. If I did I would tell everyone there carper needed eight passes at least.
the hollow in Nephi after dark is the scariest place on earth and if you don't cross at main street you are screwed. I have to admit I probably would still go three blocks out of my way just to cross it at main. Sure I will walk out in the dark woods to get to where I am hunting. But you drop me in the middle of Nephi after dark and its every man for himself. It would either go to main street, or resort to the old tried and true run like hell method and pray they don't catch you. What "they " are I don't know but "they" are super scary. If you don't believe me just ask the carpet experts they would agree.
And just on a final note MOM I am so proud of you. You did the right thing and Granny knows it.

War has nothing on. . .

Church Basketball. Time might just prove that church ball will have kept more people out of heaven than organized crime. Good men both young and old gather with blood and venom and start with a prayer. Most of these people are out of shape and have no real athletic skill, both of these factor add more fuel to the fire. You are running around tired and you can not make a pass to save your life. So you resort to violence. Jonny and I are have had epic church ball games in our day. Jonny has had the nickname cohnan since 8th grade gym class for his slasher style. I have never really liked the non-contact nature of basketball myself. So I contact. I have made the NBA the NFL in every game I have played in. I would rather tackle someone then let then score on me. Oh I have you know I have. In the history of violent church ball rivalry's nothing comes close to the terrible hatred between the two brother jerks from the To-quer-ville 1st ward and the cool Allred boys fromt he La Verkin 3rd. Oh those games were epic. They even came up in my mission interview with the Stake President. (No mom I am not proud of this, I just think it is funny. . . there is a difference.) I got kicked out of church ball 2 years in a row. That is some kind of sick record I am sure. It was really those stupid cocky kids for To-quer-ville. . . I was innocent and so was Jonny. There was one game in which Jonny tripped and spit on the older one, and I physically threw the younger one up onto the stage into a row of chairs.. Oh those were the days. My blood still boils a little thinking about it and it was 10 years ago. The Allreds have redefined the meaning of competitive. My Uncles used to have epic battles down at the basketball pad at rocky ridge that always ended with blood. I will most likely die due to heart attack, while watching a BYU football game in which we are not winning by 42 points. I started thinking about all of this two weeks ago during priesthood session sitting underneath the basketball hoops in the cultural hall. So I had the guilt of the meeting and my violent past to deal with. . .oh the shame.

Well here it is

This blog should be highly entertaining. At least we hope it is if no one else finds it entertaining at least we will and in the end that is all that really matters anyway. Me and Matt are both going to be using this blog so if you are ever offended or disappointed in anyway it probably was one of Matt's posts so be mad at him not me. Always remember I am the innocent one. I am kind of glad Easter is over I love all holidays and though Easter has the best candy the candy really needed to go. I believe I ate way to much Reese's chocolate. I pretty much was powered by Hershey's company for a whole week. I really should have been sponsored but those stickers are a pain in the butt to remove no matter how fast you try to rip them off. Maybe next year. If I were really sponsored I would like it to be Coca-Cola or something cool not AXE Stinky deodorant or heaven forbid Viagra or some other embarrassing company name or logo. I once read about a lady who sold her forehead for advertising 10000 bucks and she tattooed some casinos logo on her forehead in a struggling economy this could prove disastrous what if the company you are advertising goes out of business or is blamed in some huge scandal you would be screwed. Imagine walking around with a big ENRON on your head. You would be one popular dude. well Matt it is your turn.